Wizzro Ruins Everything
by nootylicious
Summary: One unassuming night at Cia's mansion, Wizzro notices that Cia has left the dinner table early. It decides to have a little fun, and consequently ruins everything for everyone.


Wizzro could scarcely believe it.

Well, of course it _believed_ it. It was happening before its very eyes. It just couldn't believe it in the figurative sense.

Wizzro was the stuff of nightmares. The mere sight of it could cause a fully grown Hylian soldier to faint dead away. It was a disgusting, terrifying, horribly powerful entity that had razed entire villages to the ground because it was bored. Children would whisper about it on the street to scare each other. There was even a _nursery rhyme_ about it, for Hylia's sake. ' _Naughty children who don't go to bed are sure to meet with Wizzro instead_ '. There was a full version of it, describing Wizzro in vivid, gory detail, but it found that version rather offensive, so it preferred to use the shortened one. In the short time it had been sentient, it had already created an incredible reputation for itself.

Anyway, Wizzro was earth-shakingly powerful. That was why Cia recruited it. To further her own nefarious ends.

It sighed heavily as it snipped a leaf off of a rose stem.

It wasn't at all sure if tending to the rose garden was nefarious.

It floated further from the ground to tend to the higher-up roses along the archway. It was aware this was a gross misuse of its power, but it really didn't like to say no to Cia. Yeesh. A shudder ran through its cloak just thinking about the look in her eyes. Yes, Wizzro was a monster, but even monsters know when to back down.

It glanced down at Volga. He must be more ashamed than anyone by the task forced upon him. After all, he was a legendary fire-breathing dragon crammed into the teeny-tiny body of a man. People probably forgot that a lot. Wizzro certainly did. Still, though, whatever shame Volga felt was hidden beneath that mask of his as he snipped at the hedge with the large pair of garden shears he carried. He was a lot better at this gardening business than Wizzro was. It was half-considering floating off and leaving the whole thing to the dragon, but the look Cia gave it suddenly flashed before its eye and it thought better of it.

"Careful with that," came Volga's deep voice, jolting Wizzro out of its thoughts. "You're about to snip off the head." Sure enough, it focused its eyeball on the task at hand and saw that the shears it held were dangerously close to snipping a stem in two.

"Wise as ever, General Volga," Wizzro simpered, moving the shears away. It hoped its tone would have gotten a rise out of him, but it should have known better. Volga remained stoic.

To be honest (and Wizzro was hardly _ever_ honest), it was its fault that they were stuck there for the afternoon. That was one of the reasons its mood was so foul, the other being that it was bored and frustrated with such a menial task. The only crime Volga had committed was being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

* * *

It had all started the previous night, after dinner. Wizzro noticed that Cia left the dinner table rather quickly. It immediately sensed something interesting was going to happen. Volga had retired to his room to do whatever he usually did alone, leaving no one to keep an eye on Wizzro. Quietly, stealthily, it left the table and floated after its mistress. It followed her through the long corridors of the manor, around corners, down stairs, _up_ stairs, through a couple of secret doorways, and finally through the front door of the manor to that creepy garden filled with statues of the Hylian boy she was so obsessed with. Many would have assumed that she was just heading out for a late-night stroll, but Wizzro knew better. It grinned maliciously to itself as it floated after her, keeping close to the rose bushes.

After wandering through the twists and turns of her massive garden for a while, Cia eventually stopped in front of an enormous statue of the hero, at least fifteen times larger than the boy himself. She gazed wistfully at it for a while, then vaguely waved a hand behind herself, forming a chaise longue from stray roses that bloomed up from the ground. She took a few steps back and sat down heavily upon it with a sigh. Wizzro kept itself hidden in the shadows, and watched, overcome with malicious delight at what it was witnessing.

"Oh, Link," she sighed. "You know I'm only doing this because I love you, right? All of this? Once all this is over, we can be together. We can live here together..."

Oh, stars. She was talking to the statue. It could hardly restrain itself from cackling aloud in glee. Cia's obsession with that pointy-eared ponce was no secret to the army. It was her whole motivation behind the war in the first place. But to see her like this- vulnerable, fragile, with her love out in the open- well, it gave Wizzro no end of pleasure.

"I really do love you. And I know you love me too. It's _her_ fault that we can't be together. Oh, if only you had knocked on _my_ door instead of _her's_..."

This was too good. She was blaming all of her problems on Zelda. Truly pathetic. Wizzro was really getting into this. If only it had a snack to accompany this moment. It was so absorbed in the moment that it almost screeched aloud when Volga's hand clamped down on its head. It spun around furiously.

"What do you think you're doing out here?" Volga asked.

"What am _I_? What are _you_?! Keep your voice down, you foolish reptile! The mistress will hear us!" Wizzro hissed. It quickly realized that the insult was a mistake, as Volga's face instantly went dark. He inhaled and exhaled heavily a couple of times as if trying to reason with himself.

"Reptile?" he muttered dangerously calmly. Wizzro opened its mouth, trying to form an attempt at calming the dragon that was soon to rear its head.

"Really, now, General, you know I didn't mean that-"

" _Reptile_?!" he exploded, his temper evidently getting the better of him. "Who are you to insult me so, you foul pile of rags? Do you not know that I could fell you if I wished?!"

Wizzro's attempt at cajoling its comrade was shocked out of its mind at the insult. It also forgot the possible consequences of what would happen if they were overheard. It narrowed its eye in fury. "A pile of rags, am I?! At least I don't look like a lobster in that ridiculous armour of yours!"

"A lobster?! Ohh, you had best realize the consequences of your words, beast! I shall send you back into the cheap trinket from whence you came!"

"Oooo, I'm sure you'd know all about cheap trinkets, scale-brain! You hoarded enough of them when you were a dragon. Notice the key word there: _when_. Not a dragon any more, are we?" Wizzro taunted, its mouth replacing its eye at the hole in its robes and waggling its tongue.

Volga looked ready to yank Wizzro's tongue right out of its mouth. "Was that a death wish, slime? Do you wish for me to end your pitiful existence?"

"Not a dragon any more, but you still smell like one! Yes, it's all sulphur and..." One of Wizzro's bony hands wafted the air around its mouth. "Good heavens, General. Is that brimstone, or did you eat something funny at dinner?"

"You truly have qualms about my scent? You, who stink of vinegar and rot?" Volga snarled. "I know that you have never bathed in your life, fiend. Don't attempt to compare yourself to me."

"Oh, that high-and-mighty attitude just makes me want to SCREAM!" Although Volga was right on that last count. "Prepare for the beating of a lifetime, you limp lizard! When I'm done with you, not even the Mistress will be desperate enough to find you attractive!"

Volga didn't respond to that. Wizzro's eye narrowed in glee.

"What's the matter, General? Scared?" it taunted. Volga remained stony-faced. Wizzro was about to continue gloating when it noticed that he was looking at something behind it.

Suddenly, it remembered why it was out there in the first place.

Slowly, it turned around and shrieked when it saw Cia standing behind it. It instantly flung itself to the ground at her feet, eye darting all over the place to avoid meeting her gaze.

"O-o-o-oh, Mistress! What brings you out here?! G-general Volga and I were just out on a late-night stroll, you see. I promise we heard nothing!" it blabbered pathetically. "My, what a lovely rose garden you have out here! Truly stunning. Do you maintain it yourself...?"

Cia said nothing. Her silence was agonizing. Not only had Wizzro obviously followed her and heard her sad little sonnet to the hero, she had also heard it accidentally voice its opinions about her love for said hero. Of course, it had a boatload of other opinions on the topic, but it doubted she wanted to hear those. _I suppose its back to the ring for me,_ it thought to itself painfully. That would be the least it expected from her. If she was to turn it back into a ring, she would probably then follow it up with chucking it into the nearest volcano. Or even worse, give it to one of the Bulblins.

 _Oh, hurry up and say something already, you love-struck loon. Give me my death sentence._

The excruciating silence continued. If Wizzro could perspire, it would be sweating buckets. Volga hadn't said anything. It was easy for him. He wasn't the one who's tongue had slipped. He would probably get off with a couple of hundred lashings. Wizzro, on the other hand...

It awaited the cold hand of death, but it never came. It was confused. Why was she waiting so long?

Wait... could it be...

She wasn't going to give it a punishment?!

Could it be that all of its time as her faithful servant, she finally recognized its worth? No... No, that would be ridiculous.

Or would it?

After an eternity, Cia finally spoke.

"Why, yes, Wizzro. I do maintain it myself."

It was taken off-guard. Where was she going with this?

Scrabbling in the dirt with its nails, it slowly raised its ugly head to look at her. She had an indescribable expression on her face.

"I do maintain it myself. Thank you for noticing." She cocked her head and continued to stare down at it.

The garden? Did she mean the garden?

"U-um, yes! And how lovely it is, too... It gives off quite the atmosphere! And with such a large garden, it must be quite the feat to tend to all of it!" it laughed shrilly. It took the chance and raised its head a little more to openly look at her face. Her expression hadn't changed.

"It truly is quite the feat. My garden is lovely, indeed, but it's so big. I find myself absolutely exhausted after tending to it." She lingered on 'exhausted'.

Wizzro was getting more and more confused. It wasn't like Cia to make twists and turns like this. Usually she got straight to the beatings. It had no idea where she was going with this.

"Ah ha ha ha... Yes, I suppose you would," it simpered.

"So exhausted, in fact, that I can hardly bring myself to think about battle tactics. It's terrible. I end up making all these slipshod mistakes! You know what could happen if I end up making a bigger mistake?" she asked, a taunting air of worry in her voice.

Wizzro didn't reply.

"Well, it could be awful for the army. Catastrophic, in fact. And if I were to fall, I would be sure to take you with me."

"Naturally, Mistress! I live only to serve you!" Wizzro lied. This was actually disconcerting it. Cia usually had a much more heart-upon-sleeve approach. It was almost like it was an entirely different person speaking for her.

"There's a good spectre. You get it. Now, the garden. Such a great queen obviously has no time to tend to an eensy-weensy garden when she has a world to destroy, does she?" She smiled down at it.

It finally got what she meant. It didn't like it. "Ah... ha ha ha. Ha! No, I suppose not."

"So you understand?" she asked sweetly.

"Yes, Mistress. Of course."

Her smile disappeared from her face and was replaced with a look of sheer furious malice. "Good. If I ever catch you out here again without my say-so, I'll destroy you, body and soul. There won't be enough of you left to crawl back into that hideous piece of metal."

Wizzro didn't expect the sudden change in temperament, and it left it reeling. Cia's eyes bore into the very core of its being. It barely found it within itself to nod. She then turned her gaze to Volga.

"Help it with the garden. That's an order."

"Yes, Your Ladyship," Volga replied, kneeling down and bowing his head.

Cia spun on her heel and stalked away. The sound of her heels echoed on the stone. Both generals stayed in place until they could no longer hear her, then Wizzro picked itself up from the ground in a furious huff.

" _Yes, Your Ladyship_ ," it imitated crudely, spinning around to face Volga. "How did the bottom of her boots taste, General?"

Volga stood up and smiled with an air of what Wizzro would almost describe as pity. He shook his head, then turned on his heel and followed their mistress. Wizzro watched, seething in fury.

"You're not doing yourself any favours by acting all silent, you know!" it shrieked after him. Volga didn't reply. Wizzro glared furiously at his back until he disappeared into the night. After he was gone, it looked around for a way to vent its frustration. Its eye focused on a particularily bright red rose, and it jerked its hand out and ripped off the head.

"I am surrounded by idiots!" it screeched in anger, flinging the limp rose head to the ground. Almost as soon as it had said it, Wizzro felt an ominous presence. It looked around, but no one was there. Wizzro realized had made a mistake. Slowly, it lowered itself to the ground and picked up the flower. It held it up to the bush, and dark tendrils of magic formed to fixate the rose back onto the tangle of briars, leaving an ugly, black stem. It turned and looked around noncholantly, trying to seem unassuming and innocent. Suddenly, a pair of garden shears came flying out of nowhere and whacked Wizzro in the eye.

* * *

Wizzro hummed a little tune to itself as it snipped another leaf off the rose bush. Yes, it supposed it got off lightly. Perhaps this wasn't such a gross misuse of its power. After all, it meant it was saving its own skin. Well, Wizzro had learned from all of this. It would behave from now on, and cosy on up to Cia. She'd probably think it had genuine intentions of sticking with her if it got in her good books. Yes, there is a lesson to be learned in everything, and this one was certainly going to turn out in Wizzro's favo-

It's thoughts were interrupted by a thunking noise. It broke out of its thoughts to see the bronze head of the hero the mistress was obsessed with roll to a stop at its feet. It stared blankly for a couple of seconds, then looked at the rest of the statue. Strangely, it was missing its head. Realization and horror dawned on Wizzro as it realized how close its garden shears were to the neck of the statue. It turned helplessly to Volga, who shrugged.

"Run," he advised, getting back to his gardening.

Wizzro looked around in horror, and without a second thought, turned tail and fled. A couple of moments later, the enraged screams of Cia could be heard echoing around the mansion grounds, but Wizzro was too far away to hear them.


End file.
